Mailbox of Terror!

So over the weekend I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox and as I withdrew my hand, a spider chased me. Chased me I tell you! I sent Mike to kill it but of course the little F-er hid. I told Mike to look harder. He claimed it was gone. But I knew… I knew…

Today, I figured I had to bring in the mail since the box was now overflowing. What? I knew he was in there waiting for me. I hoped that if I waited long enough, he would magically go away. But I can only wait so long.

I reached in and carefully removed the four bundles of mail, praying with each that I won’t get chased again and be forced to litter my mail across the street when I inevitably scream and run for the house, tossing the mail into the air as I flee.

But no spider.

I shook the bundles a little on the way in to the house in an attempt to shake the bugger loose just in case.


I put the mail on the counter and said a little prayer that it’s safe to go through it since it’s been sitting in the box for four days and there could be bills that need paying. Then I spied a package I know contains the sweater I ordered months ago that has been on back order and know I can’t resist opening at least that one piece of mail. It’s just one little package. Surely I can look at my sweater safely, right?

I reached for it with a trembling hand. I can’t help it, I’m terrified of spiders. I cut open the package and slid out the swearer, fresh and new and beautiful. And as I lifted it from the counter to take a closer look, I noticed a beige movement on my counter where there should be no beige movement.

It’s him.

I screamed and the girls screamed because I screamed.

And then I dropped my new sweater that I’ve waited literally months for…

…on the fucking spider!!!

I couldn’t let him have my sweater. It’s my sweater, spider, keep your eight creepy legs off of it! So I tried to take it back and he crawled after me! So I dropped my sweater again, narrowly missing the peanut butter knife I’d just made the girls sandwiches with. And the spider scooted across my counter and down onto the lip of a drawer. While I stood at the doorway  a few—FIVE!— feet away, scanning the room for a makeshift spider-squishing device, he saw an opportunity and took it.

He disappeared!!!

Now my kitchen is off limits until the spider is found and my sweater is laying in a lump on the TV stand because after saving it from the kitchen, I’m too scared to try it on because well, you know… He could be hiding in it!

I blame my husband for my not cooking dinner for my children tonight because my new spider houseguest is ‘somewhere’ in my kitchen.


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  1. Rebecca Royce says:

    This is an AWESOME story because I would do exactly the same thing.

  2. Liz Mattila says:

    Absolutely hilarious, Heather! I had a similar situation yesterday with a f**king silverfish in my bathroom and my hubby’s out of town. The cats were of no use. They batted it halfheartedly and then walked away instead of pouncing and killing like they’re supposed to! I ended up spraying it with scrubbing bubbles and then vacuming up the damn thing. Yuk!

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