So over the weekend I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox and as I withdrew my hand, a spider chased me. Chased me I tell you! I sent Mike to kill it but of course the little F-er hid. I told Mike to look harder. He claimed it was gone. But I knew… I knew…
Today, I figured I had to bring in the mail since the box was now overflowing. What? I knew he was in there waiting for me. I hoped that if I waited long enough, he would magically go away. But I can only wait so long.
I reached in and carefully removed the four bundles of mail, praying with each that I won’t get chased again and be forced to litter my mail across the street when I inevitably scream and run for the house, tossing the mail into the air as I flee.
But no spider.
I shook the bundles a little on the way in to the house in an attempt to shake the bugger loose just in case.
I put the mail on the counter and said a little prayer that it’s safe to go through it since it’s been sitting in the box for four days and there could be bills that need paying. Then I spied a package I know contains the sweater I ordered months ago that has been on back order and know I can’t resist opening at least that one piece of mail. It’s just one little package. Surely I can look at my sweater safely, right?
I reached for it with a trembling hand. I can’t help it, I’m terrified of spiders. I cut open the package and slid out the swearer, fresh and new and beautiful. And as I lifted it from the counter to take a closer look, I noticed a beige movement on my counter where there should be no beige movement.
I screamed and the girls screamed because I screamed.
And then I dropped my new sweater that I’ve waited literally months for…
…on the fucking spider!!!
I couldn’t let him have my sweater. It’s my sweater, spider, keep your eight creepy legs off of it! So I tried to take it back and he crawled after me! So I dropped my sweater again, narrowly missing the peanut butter knife I’d just made the girls sandwiches with. And the spider scooted across my counter and down onto the lip of a drawer. While I stood at the doorway a few—FIVE!— feet away, scanning the room for a makeshift spider-squishing device, he saw an opportunity and took it.
Now my kitchen is off limits until the spider is found and my sweater is laying in a lump on the TV stand because after saving it from the kitchen, I’m too scared to try it on because well, you know… He could be hiding in it!
I blame my husband for my not cooking dinner for my children tonight because my new spider houseguest is ‘somewhere’ in my kitchen.